Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
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Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
the Monday after daylight savings
In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead