Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…

i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working

Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%

I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.

Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.

They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night

In a fight a with a bouncer

I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats

when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job

Tough love is true love

People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.

(more comics:

with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number

8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment

ME: You’re making me rock hard.

MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?

ME:

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”

How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?

I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.

me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]

person: take $6??

Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.

Going for a poo could spell trouble!

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.

My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.

[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]

me: clever girl

velociraptor: what

me: …clever girl

velociraptor: I’m 26

me: sorry I-

velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat