Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.

Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.

Judge: Order in the court

[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?

I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”

If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.

No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.

Hell yeah 👍

Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore

God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead

[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.

Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

[Toddler 911]

911: what’s your emergency?

Son: it’s naptime.

911: have you tried stalling?

Son: I asked for water.

911: and your favorite stuffed animal?

Son: yep.

911: that toy you shoved under the couch?

Son: they don’t know where that’s at.

911: perfect. ask for that.

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?

can they shut down Teams instead of tiktok

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?

them: are you with someone or are you alone?

me: *winks* who’s asking?

them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.

me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao

I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day

The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

gf: where’s that parcel from

me: amazon

gf: what’s in it

me: *bleeding* piranhas

Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.

so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah

Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples

Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives

I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*

Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!

Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.

*looks at you in batman voice*