Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.

I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be

“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”

They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.

How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”

me: whats wrong with this harmonica

cop: thats a breathalyzer

My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.

i got 100% on my daughters assignment.

Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.

the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up

I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.

[before Toto]

Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*

*sees any 3 stars in a row*

(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”

in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…

our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score

[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”

“It’s 25 carats…”

[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]

Dog: I have mange

Baby Jesus: I have manger

Dog: It’s not a competition

In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏

If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.

Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.

Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.

THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.

Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it

A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent

[my coffin lowering into the grave]

wait guys shouldn’t I be dead

[coffin starts lowering faster]

There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.

I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!

Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed

Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make