In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
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I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting