Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
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“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
the simulation is moving too fast
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
The days of good grammer has went
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this
