@LizHackett

Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.

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@trentistweeting

[interview]
My biggest weakness is that I’m too literal
“That’s fine. Your resume looks good, welcome aboard!”
*turns to whiteboard* welcome

@phelixxx__

“Wyd after work” going to bed bro i ain’t no super hero

@NicestHippo

*walks into son’s room to find a recording of him snoring*
Dear God
*dials 911*
Help, a wizard turned my son into a 90’s cassette player

@notacroc

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers

WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

@moose_chocolate

“Clique” is a French word meaning “small group of insufferable douchebags”.

@YSylon

Me: would you go to Mars?

Wife: Nope. I don’t think I want to.

Me: would you go anyway?

@InternetHippo

BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]

@Fene2208

Card is declined.
Waiter in a very loud voice:”Excuse me ma, ur card was declined” a few heads turn.
Me:I jst used d card. Pls try again”
Waiter tries again. Payment goes thru
Me: “pls maintain d energy.Say it loud dt my card was accepted”. A few heads turn again. I’m satisfied

@DurtMcHurtt

[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.

@MableGertrude

It’s funny how you think it’s your cat leaving all those dead birds on your doorstep.