Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
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Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
born to say “are you fcking stup¡d” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format