Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife

please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan

COMPUTER: Your password has expired.

ME: So it’s a passéword.

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.

Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:

-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat

[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed

Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out

[ducks under the police tape]

detective: and get these ducks outta here

waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?

me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.

*notices it’s not even 8am*

*been tweeting like a boss…*

*…to 5 insomniacs*

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?

HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.

Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign

*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one

A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”

When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”

Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me

When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.

Open for business, 24/7

~my stomach

Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.

what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.

Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆

me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard

why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?

Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.

Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.

PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news

CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor