Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
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Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate