Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
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If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
*has no idea what a book even is*
*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
me: what
cat: what
He a real one for that
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug