Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
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I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
The sacred texts.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC