Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
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“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
🤣
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂