nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
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When you’ve simply given up.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Cake safety first. Always.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.