Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
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Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Merry Christmas
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Breaking news:
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.