No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
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My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Camping tip: No.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.