Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.

“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.

I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame

Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?

Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”

THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth

EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*

ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*

(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂

I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job

Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.

I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.

Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going

Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*

Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅

i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things

If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries

[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.

Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado

Barista: What’s a furtado?

Me: It’s like a bird

A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller

My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.

[heaven]

god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.

cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.

Man: No!

*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*

Nurse: *screams*

P: He convinced his body to do that.

N:

P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.

*during sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?

3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?

Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.

The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.

Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.