Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.

maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there

I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.

Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?

12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?

Me: Yeah.

12: Don’t get any of it.

Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job

Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.

Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.

asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently

Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?

Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?

Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes

4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?

Me: of course, bud.

4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.

What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.

Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity

Sister: You need more friends

Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me

Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven

Me: Haha that is classic Carol

I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.

I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted

“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.

My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.

Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.

It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.

“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭