Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

*comes home drunk

*sleeps on floor

weird email i got today

Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.

My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.

Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”

It was a broom! 😂🤣

Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.

Sincerely,
Women

An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.

If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.

“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.

explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process

“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.

15: ‘What’s it like being married?’

Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’

[slips the bus driver £20]

“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”

[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit

Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.

Day 4. They suspect nothing.

Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?

There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.

UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please

I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.

Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.

It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”

The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day