Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you

me: *fires therapist*

[first date]

*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*

“Would you like a mint?”

*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*

“Dammit”

Mummies are just super modest zombies

I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.

Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.

Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?

My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.

the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum

King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again

King’s horses:

*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty

*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner

*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years

[standing at urinal]

me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*

My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.

A 27yo asked me to come home with him!

I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!

Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.

I’m a champion of grammar;

A grampion, if you will.

this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people

A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-

running back in the house for
something you forgot.

listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth

Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.

I want you to meet my friend “Ami”

I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber

Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.

[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it

Woke up against my better judgment again

[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]

“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”

Here

“Aren’t you going to guess?”