Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said

[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions

like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’

Me: I’m hard at work

HR: this is why you’re fired

Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party

All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.

“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”

— Mark Twain

I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss

It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

Not only is it not Friday, but it’s not even Thursday

excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces

Current mood: Potato

Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight

I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”

My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”

I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”

I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.

Staying with my parents, pt. 17:

Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.

Mom: …

Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?

Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.

Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.

ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome

[Tarot reading ends]

Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!

Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes

FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!

Friend: ugh algorithms are the worst, don’t you hate how it’s all news and politics and sadness on your feed all the time?

Me, who only sees baby animals and dessert recipes: yeah totally, so awful

7yo: Is that you in the picture?

Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?

9yo: You look different.

7: Yes, your face was skinnier.

9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.

Me: That’s enough fun for one day.

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.