Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.

You’ll be OK

To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.

a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)

ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…

SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert

me: dentist said the kids have the plague

wife: plaque

me: yes a memorial would be good

me: i had an accident

insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants

Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]

“HEY! NO LITERING–”

shh wait

[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]

No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.

I was being a giraffe.

(3 minutes into a hunger strike)

Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.

Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.

4-year-old: That’s it?

Me: What did you want it to be?

4: A dragon.

Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?

Me: Absolutely not.

Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years

I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say

*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*

Me: And now we wait

[2 days later] *nothing*

[1 week later] *still nothing*

[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now

Me: I said, we wait!!!

Me: How’s it going?

Coworker: Can’t complain.

Me: Try harder.

Coworker: Life is meaningless.

Me: Atta boy.

me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.

It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza

Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?

Him: Definitely! My place or yours?

Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11

[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO