Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?

Me: When she comes

Him: I know but when

Me: When she comes dude

Him: That’s not a time

Me: I’m going off of the information I have

Him: Do you know the horses she has?

Me: Yes six white horses

Him: See how do you know that

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.

muhammad ali: float like a butterfly

jellyfish: done

muhammad ali: sting like a bee

jellyfish: i am nailing this

“Have you met my other half?”

– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.

You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.

HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president

KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!

I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you

I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.

He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!

#jokes

My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”

Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep

Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.

I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”

today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more

Act now and we will double your order of crap!

Infomercials

When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that

me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

Fries, not lies.

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]

Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic