Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
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The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Yup
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Whisper out to librarians!
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”