Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
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My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Order here:
More here:
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.