Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?

Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach

Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation

*during sex*

Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!

Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving

9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.

“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.

lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*

wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep

Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time

Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.

The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.

There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.

*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”

Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.

Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji

You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.

Stands at the gates of hell.

Waves to my mother in law.

Leaves.

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.

[Thor Love and Thunder]

me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR

cinema guy: please stop doing this

Typos are gonna be the death of me!

Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.

“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great