Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection

Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.

“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”

“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.

Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway

me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad

6: what happened?!

me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point

Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?

Her: *Yodels*

Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils

Batman: oh no

me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.

“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”

-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side

A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.

Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?

Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier

Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink

“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*

“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*

“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes

[God creating bees]

GOD: make some of them fuzzy

ANGEL: thats good

G: make them sting

A: okay

G: and let’s give them teeth!

A: too far

coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way

me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding

[aliens arrive]

people: *screaming crying hiding*

me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*

“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians

My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.

DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*

ME: cmon man

DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*

ME: I’m so hungry, David

I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread