Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.

*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?

Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.

Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer

Ikea Employee: I’m calling security

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses

Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.

Him:*laughs nervously*

Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial

Me: please wait a little longer

Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!

She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.

me: i can handle my alcohol

5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish

I don’t share cheese on the first date.

Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.

10yo: I can’t find one.

Me: *finds a pencil* Here.

10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.

Me: *finds a sharpener*

10yo: I can’t find an eraser.

Me: Fine, use the pen.

10yo: I can’t find the pen.

Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

I’m gonna take this shit to another level!

*pushes elevator button*

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side

Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.

Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago

rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.

Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?

Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.

Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?

“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”

“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”

How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.

Boss: Can I have a word with you?

Me: umbrella

[ Blind date ]

Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.

Her: ummmm

Me: whatcha thinking?

Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.

Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.

Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.