Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.

Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?

DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?

ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?

Squirrel Thoughts

They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.

I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”

8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this

i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.

wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter

me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

I love art.

I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.

Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.

Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*

Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?

Me: a black swirling pit of despair

Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat

I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do

the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”

we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

Alexa: remind me to feed the baby

“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017

[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over

the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time

I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: yes why

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God