Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
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You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
New favorite tiktok
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
I’m giving up for Lent.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now