Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
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me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat