Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
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The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
😆this is so true
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.