Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.

Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like

I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

This was my dad’s browser history.

I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break

Monica just destroyed the internet

Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.

“What state are we in now?”

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip

friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks

me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no

The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.

Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.

My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.

Ask me how I know.

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

*pronounces UPS like yoops

Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57

Allow me to slip into something more out the window.

I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married

My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet

My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.

I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

rest in peace, 2023.

2023-2023

Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy

Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus

They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.

*crashes vehicle*

“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”

*dies smiling*

The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.

-Steve Buscemi