@junejuly12

Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.

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@aJasonWeight

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

@tastefactory

Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie

@Storminika

Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Two guys in CA walked off cliff playing Pokémon.

Natural selection accelerated at 9.8 m/sec².

@k_umezinwa

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.

@Dawn_M_

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

@pleatedjeans

[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]

@AdamBroud

Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious

LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me

@iamspacegirl

*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*

@Sean_Burgundy_

Hitman: Hey what’s up

Me: My neighbor parked in front of my house again