“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
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security question: who was your first grade teacher?
my first grade teacher, hacking my bank account: oh HELL yes
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Last night I finally slept with a woman who has a Coke bottle figure. Unfortunately, she was a 3 liter.
Whoever named The Great Depression in 1929 probably didn’t anticipate my life in 2019.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.