Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
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When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?