Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.

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security question: who was your first grade teacher?

my first grade teacher, hacking my bank account: oh HELL yes


Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party


Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense


6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”

Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”

6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”


day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen


[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]


Last night I finally slept with a woman who has a Coke bottle figure. Unfortunately, she was a 3 liter.


Whoever named The Great Depression in 1929 probably didn’t anticipate my life in 2019.


Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.