Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
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best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
his wife is probably gonna see that
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.