“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
You Might Also Like
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Important reminders
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.