“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
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If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
ME:
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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
I’m calling the cops.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
My purse is deeper than some people.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.