Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Zordon: go find me some high schoolers

Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?

Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex

What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.

Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.

My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.

Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.

[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?

Her: I already hate where this is going

Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—

Her: *softly* no

Me: entre-manure

Her: I’m staying with my sister

Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!

Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.

Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?

Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?

PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.

Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.

Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”

You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.

Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.

“What a tangled web we weave”

-Earbuds

After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.

“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.

Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.

I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt