“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
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Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
These are so Plastic Man-core
#Caturday
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.