Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
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I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Make me look younger
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
This one never gets the credit it deserves
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.