keep reaching for the stars, kid:
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The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
sugar glider wrangler
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
I’m literally crying
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.