keep reaching for the stars, kid:
You Might Also Like
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob
Me: Why?
11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes
𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*