Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
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Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
? 💀
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work