Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
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Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
an airline just for babies.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
“I wouldn’t.”
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
skipping every song that reminds me of him
-me, listing to the playlist i made for him
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45