Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
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“You drive, I’m tired.”
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.