@aveuaskew

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

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@1CarParade

If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!

@juneohara65

Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.

@SocialBitterfly

*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.

*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!

@Kyle_Raney

DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.

@lildandeli0n

[Gets Twitter error: “Somehow, somewhere, something went wrong”]

I know Twitter, I know.

That’s why I’m here.

@13spencer

Relationship advice:

Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.

@TheWidowmakerX

It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back

@TheTweetOfGod

Being God means never having to say you’re sorry. Or anything, really.

@Kim_pulsive

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again