If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
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Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.
*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
[Gets Twitter error: “Somehow, somewhere, something went wrong”]
I know Twitter, I know.
That’s why I’m here.
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Being God means never having to say you’re sorry. Or anything, really.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again