Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
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I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.