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“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I hate everything
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.