keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
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Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
My birthstone is kidney
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
me in a relationship:
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A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?