Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
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Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley