Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
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Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Still laughing at this stupid meme
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives