Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
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Waffles make excellent pill organizers
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Nice try, NASA
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
The pasta is now
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*