Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.

Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music

NEW LAUNDRY RULES!

1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!

2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!

3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.

message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.

Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

ㅤ

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

[ after a spat ]

Me: Are you still mad at me?

Her: I guess not.

Me: [ reaching for her ]

Good!!!

Her:

“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score

I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list

My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.

Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.

My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.

“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.

Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.

Her: What?!? Children? Since when?

Me: Since I’m getting audited today.

we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive

[restaurant]

Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when

Me: huh? why

Waiter: when means stop

Me: oh

Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other

Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other

Nothing to do, you say?

You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.

“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.

Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.