Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
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[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7