Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
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stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Can. I. Help. You.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.