Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week

I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.

My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord

Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]

All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

At peace with myself?

We can’t even decide which channel to watch

Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years

It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.

stages of eating a banana:

– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now

Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?

Her: I already hate where this is going

Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—

Her: *softly* no

Me: entre-manure

Her: I’m staying with my sister

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*

*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.

If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.

Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem

Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad

My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.

Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.

when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast

*friends describing me on Dateline*

She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.

1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM

don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.

A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.

INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body