Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.

You: Sitting down to eat

Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?

Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.

[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

Not now pee, I’m sleeping.

Water: can you do me a solid?

God: sure *turns it into ice*

Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.

Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.

isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange

After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this

[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]

laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US

My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.

I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old

*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*

*silence*

Am I even in the right parking lot?

So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.

Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?

Batman: Sidekick

Robin: Close enough

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.

LMAO.

This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.

On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?

Birds shit on us because we tweet better.

Please. My wife. She’s very sick.

When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i get angry wrong?

HER: yes

ME: *balling toes* this is delightful

“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text

*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*

I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot

me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble

robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich

me: what do you think is in my wallet