Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
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A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.