Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
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“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
what’s really going on
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control