keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
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Nobody ever collects famous first words.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.