keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
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gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Someone told me they had beef with me and I got pissed off that it wasn’t a brisket
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism