Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how to have fun when you’re poor

Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”

*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon

Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach

i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app

My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.

No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.

*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea

If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?

My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane

Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

[graduation]

…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*

[crowd cries]

*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”

Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist

Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that

boss: you’re fired

me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?

Me: you feel like doing something?

Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill

Me: maybe after the killing then

This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?

Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.

Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire

I just ran a .003048K

All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.

I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure

Me in tagged photos