Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
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Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
A McRib killed my tapeworm.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.