Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Want his attention?

Send nudes

Want to piss him off?

When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”

you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired

I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend

sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista

6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?

Me: For cups.

6: But you can’t drink and drive.

My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”

Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.

I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.

My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.

“Guy walks into a bar”

*and is eliminated from the limbo contest

It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids

I hunt* my own food.

*run down the street after the ice cream truck

Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…

Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go

me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.

I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation

ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”

*Kanye slowly sits down*

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

An amish party in the desert called churning man.

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party

just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.

My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.

He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.

[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”