Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
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The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.