Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
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Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.