Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go gym

employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress

me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]

when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy

me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?

Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?

If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….

Person: so, how are we today?

Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks

To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.

I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?

You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you

Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake

I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”

I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.

Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.

GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!

ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.

When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

Papa john’s: order a pizza!

Mama john’s: we have pizza at home

vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.

181.

I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?

Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.

13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

“I want you inside me.”

-says the quotation marks to the period-

Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.

When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said

dude it’s called proctologist

Pro Tip:

If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!