Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
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The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
This forever.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Breaking news:
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.