Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
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coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Dishonest mechanic?
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.