Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
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These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours