Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
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Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
You can’t just say “Goddammit!” and expect Me to damn it. There’s a procedure. File the paperwork.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
When I was in elementary school, I won first place in three years of science fairs. When my daughter was in elementary school, I also won first place in three science fairs.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Mornin
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
I spelt ‘necessities’ correctly in one go, and now i am not sure if i have improved or AC is broken!?!
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup