Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”

date: i think i’ve been here before

me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant

date: i’m definitely having deja vu

me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please

Me: My body is a temple

Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?

Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus

7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.

7:15AM – Dammit.

No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)

lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit

i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.

[first day as a real estate agent]

me: as you can see this is a beautiful house

client: how many floors does it have

me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room

“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.

Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.

Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*

me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*

Society: Dance like no ones watching.

Also society: Records it for everyone to see.

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.

me: thinking about getting into necrophilia

her: over my dead body

me: that’s the spirit

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”

Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

Me: What is wrong with me?

Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.

Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.

BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.

Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.

My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day

Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?